An irony, yes. It's been more than 2 years since I wrote anything, since I blogged, since I did what I thought was a part of me. And yet, this post comes right after the earlier one. Yes, that's the irony. Because when I look back at how much has changed in the past 2 years, I can't help but feel, how true my last post is! My granpa passed away, 7 years ago. I was so distressed, I filled sheets after sheets in his memory. It was as if someone had unbolted this jar of words in my head, that overflowed through my pen.
I don't write anymore. But then what brought me back to my blog, more than 2 years later? My inability to express, to come up with words. My dad left me, exactly 9 months ago... and I haven't written a single word. Yes, I'm speechless, but for this long? For someone who loves words, how difficult is it to come up with a few lines, to write your heart out? Very.
I'm also surprised at how much I trusted God back then. How much I believed in miracles, and how I always thought he's watching me all the time. I was so mistaken! I don't hate him. I really don't. I just, can't feel him anymore. And no, it's not bollywood, I don't want revenge. I don't want an explanation. I don't want justification. I don't want the whole God-needs-good-people crap.
My religion, my parents, everyone.. always spoke about how Karma was above everyone and everything. I believed it too. If I scored enough points to not let my balance go negative, I'd be fine. Frankly, I don't even know if there is a God, seeing or listening anything, or even maintaining any accounts. I don't know what prayers mean, or lead to. I can't get myself to believe in anything anymore. I might have been bad, very bad, mean or whatever; but a daughter does not deserve not hearing to her father for one last time, leave alone seeing him. If there is a God, and if he is so great, why would he do such a cruel thing? What could I have ever done so wrong?
I came running.. halfway across the world, a fatherless child.. and not knowing it. But he left, without as much as a word, a last word.. a last glance. Hell, I didn't even see him! Who ever leaves like that? Leaving his little daughter all by herself, in some corner of the world. He met everyone, spoke to everyone.. traveled 4 cities in last 5 days. He texted 200 people at midnight, to wish them a happy new year, and didn't even make it through its first day. I hadn't seen him for a year. Hadn't heard him for more than a week. It was a New Year for the world. For me.. it was end of life as I had always known it. He got his first promotion the day I was born; he was cremated on the exact same day 26 years later.. on my birthday. How unfortunate can a daughter be? How inauspicious? How so very opposite to her name? How will I ever forgive myself? You made living with myself so much harder!
And the worst part is, I don't even know if there's a heaven, if he's watching me at all. Is he gone forever, watching me from nowhere? I know everyone will assure me that he's still around, watching out for me. Sounds comforting, the best thing to say.. feels nothing. Just like everything else. May be I really am on my own...
I don't write anymore. But then what brought me back to my blog, more than 2 years later? My inability to express, to come up with words. My dad left me, exactly 9 months ago... and I haven't written a single word. Yes, I'm speechless, but for this long? For someone who loves words, how difficult is it to come up with a few lines, to write your heart out? Very.
I'm also surprised at how much I trusted God back then. How much I believed in miracles, and how I always thought he's watching me all the time. I was so mistaken! I don't hate him. I really don't. I just, can't feel him anymore. And no, it's not bollywood, I don't want revenge. I don't want an explanation. I don't want justification. I don't want the whole God-needs-good-people crap.
My religion, my parents, everyone.. always spoke about how Karma was above everyone and everything. I believed it too. If I scored enough points to not let my balance go negative, I'd be fine. Frankly, I don't even know if there is a God, seeing or listening anything, or even maintaining any accounts. I don't know what prayers mean, or lead to. I can't get myself to believe in anything anymore. I might have been bad, very bad, mean or whatever; but a daughter does not deserve not hearing to her father for one last time, leave alone seeing him. If there is a God, and if he is so great, why would he do such a cruel thing? What could I have ever done so wrong?
I came running.. halfway across the world, a fatherless child.. and not knowing it. But he left, without as much as a word, a last word.. a last glance. Hell, I didn't even see him! Who ever leaves like that? Leaving his little daughter all by herself, in some corner of the world. He met everyone, spoke to everyone.. traveled 4 cities in last 5 days. He texted 200 people at midnight, to wish them a happy new year, and didn't even make it through its first day. I hadn't seen him for a year. Hadn't heard him for more than a week. It was a New Year for the world. For me.. it was end of life as I had always known it. He got his first promotion the day I was born; he was cremated on the exact same day 26 years later.. on my birthday. How unfortunate can a daughter be? How inauspicious? How so very opposite to her name? How will I ever forgive myself? You made living with myself so much harder!
And the worst part is, I don't even know if there's a heaven, if he's watching me at all. Is he gone forever, watching me from nowhere? I know everyone will assure me that he's still around, watching out for me. Sounds comforting, the best thing to say.. feels nothing. Just like everything else. May be I really am on my own...
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